Hello....

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6.
If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you.
If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9.
If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.
And if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.